Is this an old joke

Discussion in 'The Dockhouse' started by sbenest, Jan 19, 2010.

  1. sbenest

    sbenest New Member

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    A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
    Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
    Brother 2: He's Dead
    Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
    Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
    Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
    Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
     
  2. sbenest

    sbenest New Member

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    Murphy's Law in Sex
    1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
    2.Nothing improves with age.
    3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
    4.Sex has no calories.
    5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
    6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
    7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
    8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
    9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
    10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
    11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
    12.Virginity can be cured.
    13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
    14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
    15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
     
  3. stuck in the 80s

    stuck in the 80s Member

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    > A
    > cabbie picks up a Nun.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > She
    > gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
    > cab driver won't stop staring at her.
    > She asks him why he is staring.
    > He replies:
    > 'I have a question to ask you but I don't
    > want to offend you.'
    > She answers,
    > 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
    > as I am
    > and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
    > see
    > and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
    > there's nothing
    > you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
    >
    > 'Well, I've always had a
    > fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
    > She responds,
    > 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
    >
    > #1, you have to be single and
    > #2, you must be Catholic.'
    > The cab driver is very excited and says,
    > 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
    > 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next
    > alley.'
    > The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
    >
    > make a hooker blush.
    > But when they get back on the road, the cab
    > driver starts crying. 'My dear
    > child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
    > 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
    > confess,
    > I'm married and I'm
    > Jewish.'
    > The nun says, 'That's OK.
    > My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress
    > party.
     
  4. sbenest

    sbenest New Member

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    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
    Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
     
  5. sbenest

    sbenest New Member

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    Maybe one for the lawyers?

    Lawyer on vacation
    A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
    The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
    The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
    The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
     
  6. sbenest

    sbenest New Member

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    Billing per hour?

    A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
    "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
    When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
     
  7. sbenest

    sbenest New Member

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    Viagra

    Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.
    Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.
    "What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"
    The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?"
     

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